I have a crappy phone. All it does is make and receive phone calls from just about anywhere, exchange text and picture messages, capture photographs, serve as an alarm clock and a calculator, and store the phone numbers of all my friends, family, and associates. No Internet! No GPS! NO APPS! I bought it earlier this year for $30 brand new from an actual store. You would think I got ripped off. I thought so too until I discovered that my phone also contains a demo of PAC-MAN: Championship Edition. It’s great — I can play the same level over and over again for 2 minutes at a time as many times as I want. I have evolved to want these times anytime I find myself sitting on the toilet at work.

My good friend Ken once said that, while shitting, he would read the back of a shampoo bottle if he needed to. Anything to stay entertained. I’ll never forget the moment he revealed that to me because I, too, had read so many bathroom products’ ingredients and legal disclaimers in my life. I was not alone. And I still do it. If I’m using your bathroom for more than 30 seconds and you don’t have any magazines in there, I can promise you that I’m reading all about your mouthwash.

Back to PAC-MAN — I can usually squeeze in a game when I’m in the stall at work. After about 6 months of stifling my yelps of frustration (it’s not a private restroom) I think I can safely say that I have achieved the highest score possible on the Pantech Pursuit II version of the PAC-MAN: Championship Edition demo. I tried to find a online forum of discussion to see if anyone else was claiming such a title and it looks like the coast is clear.

Come and get me, nerds. Until then, I am the champion with a high score of 135,560.