Tonight LOST returns, and I am thoroughly overjoyed. However — while most fans of the show are known to get nearly as much pleasure from speculating on message boards and trying to dig up secrets of the island as they do from actually watching the program, I must say that I enjoy being a passive viewer. As compelling as the mysteries are that swirl about the show, I just seem to have more fun when I sit back and drink the Kool-Aid.

Of course, you probably noticed a bunch of words below and read the headline — like any good LOST fanatic, I bet you already predicted: Despite the above eschewing of conjecture, I’m going to offer my own interpretation and predictions for this final season of the most entertaining show ever. RIGHT! NOW!

Good versus Evil. Past, present, and future. Sex and explosions. These, my friends, are the most important topics in our collective human consciousness; indeed, this is reflected in great cultural works from The Odyssey to the Terminator film franchise. LOST is no different. Through and within these universal issues, the creators of the show have staged a timeless drama with so many twists and turns woven throughout its numerous plot holes that people seem to forget that there is a big picture at hand. Just as the conflict between Jacob and his mysterious nemesis suggests, we are talking about huge implications here.

Get ready to have your mind blown:

-On September 22, 2004, ABC premiered LOST.

-Five days later, NBC announced that Jay Leno would be stepping down from his job as host of The Tonight Show in 2009. He was to be succeeded by Conan O’Brien.

-In 2007, as the date of his departure loomed, Jay started to regret his decision to leave and began negotiating his return to the network (before he had even finished!).

-Season 3 of LOST concluded in 2007 with a flash-forward, the first of its kind in a show based on present actions and flashbacks to the characters’ pasts. In it, protagonists Jack Shephard and Kate Austen have successfully escaped the island, but something isn’t right. The sequence immediately follows a scene in which the islanders are still very much on the island, and closes the show with Jack’s desperate words: “We have to go back!”

-And go back they did. As Conan took over Jay’s spot as Tonight Show host in 2009, Jay returned with his own show in an earlier time slot and the “Oceanic Six” made it back to the island. Those who did not escape the island with Jack, Kate, and the other four, remained on the island and suffered through a series of time-travel mishaps, eventually landing back in time, in 1974.

-As we’re all aware, due to poor ratings from both performers, NBC felt compelled to drastically shift their programming at the beginning of 2010. Leno’s new show was swiftly canceled, but his star status earned him consideration as a supplemental or preemptive host of Conan’s program: the proposition was to send Conan’s show to 12:05am and to let Leno open the late night programming in his old time slot (an anagram for “lost” –ed.) of 11:35pm. Disgusted by the plan to literally send The Tonight Show into Tomorrow and feeling increasingly unwelcome, Conan ceded his tenuous hold on the show and bid farewell to NBC. As we stand today, it seems that Leno will be reclaiming his post at the late night institution in March of this year.

-Meanwhile, the last season of LOST ended with them exploding the island in an effort to re-set time and make everything go back to the way it always was, and, some would argue, the way it always was supposed to be.

-During the Conan-Jay fiasco at NBC, ABC (home of LOST)’s late night figure, Jimmy Kimmel made a few headlines with his Tuesday, January 12 episode — he performed the whole show as Jay Leno. His guest that night, Chevy Chase, appeared as Conan. The following night, Jay interviewed Jimmy on his show.

-There has been more than one case of body doubling in the LOST universe, the most recent example coming when John Locke witnesses himself interacting with others.

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What is LOST about, really? On the surface we have a complex tale about a set of hapless losers who get stuck on a weird island and learn something about themselves as they try to survive together in the wild. Meanwhile some strange spirit- and god-like entities loom in various capacities, either controlling or trying to control the fate of the island and its inhabitants. But to talk about the show in this way is to forget the most important cast member: the mega-media world we live in. Yes, folks, we’ve gone postmodern. LOST is about entertainment.

BAM! LOST.

(to be continued; cue creepy end credit music)